Moms of multiples know the pain of constant squabbling and bickering. Some days, it can be easy for parents to feel less like Mom or Dad and more like a referee, prison guard, or litigator.
“Mom! She took my toy!”
“He touched my stuff!”
“She got more than I did!”
“He’s looking at me!”
Sound familiar?
The good news is that sibling conflict is normal. Brothers and sisters are not going to get along all the time—and that doesn’t mean they won’t grow up to have a close, loving relationship.
In fact, working through disagreements with siblings can give children opportunities to learn important life skills such as communication, empathy, compromise, patience, forgiveness, and problem-solving.
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Building Positive Sibling Relationships Starts at Home
You cannot control how your children feel about everything—including each other. Every child has a different personality, temperament, set of interests, and way of responding to the world.
And if you or someone you love has experienced fractured sibling relationships, the thought of your own children drifting apart someday might be a pretty big worry on your heart.
While parents can’t guarantee that their children will grow up to be best friends, we can help create a family environment where kindness, respect, forgiveness, and connection are encouraged.
According to PBS KIDS for Parents’ guide to fostering positive sibling relationships, positive sibling relationships can provide friendship, support, and connection while giving children opportunities to practice empathy and compassion.
So how can you encourage a strong sibling bond? Start with these five simple ideas.
1. Temper Your Emotions While Helping Them With Theirs
When two children are yelling, crying, or arguing over the same toy, your first instinct might be to jump into the situation and put an immediate stop to it.
But before reacting, take a moment to check your own emotions.
Children watch the adults around them to learn how to respond to conflict. When you remain calm—even when they aren’t—you have an opportunity to model emotional regulation and problem-solving.
Instead of immediately deciding who is right and who is wrong, help your children put words to what happened.
“You’re upset because your sister took the toy you were playing with.”
“You’re frustrated because you wanted a turn.”
Then help them think about what might solve the problem.
Could they take turns? Could they set a timer? Is there another toy they could use together?
As children get older, parents can gradually step back and allow them to work through some disagreements themselves. The American Academy of Pediatrics’ HealthyChildren.org sibling relationship guide notes that learning to disagree respectfully is part of developing communication and coping skills.
Of course, parents should step in when there is hitting, bullying, unsafe behavior, or concern about a child’s physical or emotional well-being.
2. Foster a Sense of Care and Responsibility for One Another
Remind your children that brothers and sisters look out for each other.
That doesn’t mean an older sibling should be responsible for parenting a younger child. It simply means teaching your children that families help one another.
I remember my mom pulling me aside once and whispering that my brother looked to me as an example—so I should try to be a good one.
To this day, I still remember her words.
Look for everyday opportunities to reinforce that sense of connection.
If one child falls down, encourage a sibling to check on them. If someone is struggling to carry something, suggest that a brother or sister lend a hand. If one child is nervous about the first day of school, remind the other to offer a little encouragement.
You can also point out kindness when you see it:
“I noticed that you helped your sister clean up her toys. That was thoughtful.”
“I saw you save a seat for your brother. That was kind.”
Those little moments send a powerful message: In our family, we take care of each other.
3. Create Opportunities for Special Sibling Time
Parents often hear about the importance of one-on-one time with each child—and that is important. But siblings can benefit from special time together, too.
Give your children opportunities to have fun without Mom or Dad directing every moment.
Depending on their ages, that could mean building a blanket fort, coloring together, playing outside, having a living-room dance party, building with blocks, baking cookies, creating a Lego masterpiece, or watching a favorite movie together.
Shared experiences help create shared memories.
Try not to make every activity competitive, either. Look for activities where children can work toward a common goal.
Build the tallest block tower you can.
Make Grandma a birthday card together.
Create a backyard obstacle course.
Put on a puppet show.
Bake cupcakes and let one child frost while the other adds sprinkles.
Sibling bonding doesn’t always happen during big family vacations or picture-perfect moments. Very often, it’s happening on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon when two children are giggling uncontrollably over something Mom doesn’t even understand.
4. Prioritize Family Time—and a Little Close Proximity
Family schedules can get busy quickly. Between school, sports, activities, appointments, friends, and work, family members can sometimes feel as though they’re simply passing one another on the way to the next commitment.
Make room for time together.
That could mean family dinners, Sunday afternoon walks, game nights, movie nights, trips to the park, vacations, or simply turning off the devices and spending an hour together.
When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to bring friends on family vacations.
“You have your brother for a friend,” my parents would say.
I didn’t necessarily love that rule at the time!
But they were right.
My brother and I spent those trips exploring, laughing, arguing, making up, creating inside jokes, and building memories together. Today, he is still one of my best friends.
Your children don’t need elaborate vacations to create those memories. A camping trip in the backyard, Saturday morning pancakes, a family board game, or an evening walk around the neighborhood can become part of your family’s story.
5. Encourage Them to Support One Another
Teach your children that their sibling’s success isn’t a threat to their own.
Brothers and sisters will naturally compare themselves from time to time. One might be athletic while another loves art. One might thrive academically while another can make everyone in the room laugh.
Celebrate those differences.
Your kids certainly don’t need to attend every practice, rehearsal, scrimmage, or activity their siblings participate in. But when something matters—a championship game, dance recital, school play, concert, spelling bee, graduation, or other milestone—encourage siblings to show up for each other when possible.
Teach them to say:
“Good luck!”
“You can do it!”
“I’m proud of you!”
“You did a great job!”
And remind them that families don’t have to compete with one another. We can celebrate someone else’s success without diminishing our own.
Sibling Conflict Isn’t Always a Bad Thing
Your kids will not always get along.
They may argue over toys when they’re toddlers, clothes when they’re teenagers, and who gets the front seat somewhere in between.
That’s okay.
A little tension can actually provide opportunities to practice patience, compromise, communication, problem-solving, and forgiveness. The goal isn’t to raise siblings who never disagree. It’s to help raise children who learn how to disagree without losing their love and respect for one another.
Keep modeling the behavior you hope to see. Create opportunities for your children to laugh together. Encourage them to care for each other. Notice the moments when they show kindness. Give them space to create memories that belong only to them.
Most importantly, pour love into your children and remind them that family relationships are worth nurturing.
Someday, the little brother who won’t stop touching his sister’s stuff may become the person she calls when she needs help.
And the big sister who drives him crazy today may become one of his very best friends.
You are helping plant those seeds now.
Sources & Additional Resources
PBS KIDS for Parents: How to Foster Positive Sibling Relationships
HealthyChildren.org: Sibling Relationships — How to Help Your Kids Build Healthy Bonds
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